One in the chamber...

I've moved, to a much "friendlier" state, and since I moved I put my gun back on my hip. I can't tell you or express to you how good that feels. But to all you youngins out there, carrying a weapon comes with several things. First there is a responsibility, and with that responsibility comes a burden. The burden is knowing the consequences of being foolish with your weapon, not knowing how to handle it correctly, knowing when it is legal to use, and maintaining a high level of discipline. For those things, you get the privilege of carrying, of protecting those around you, of not being afraid to walk and go where ever it is you want to go. BUT WAIT!!!! Don't you have PTSD? Aren't you one of those "loose cannons" looking to hurt everyone you can? Yes, I do have PTSD. And I ABSOLUTELY HATE VIOLENCE!!!!! I'm just good at it.

What does that have to do with "one in the chamber"? Over the last week after being in this new state for only three weeks, by "coincidence"(FYI - I don't believe in these!!!!) I meet someone who is doing a VERY SPECIAL THING for Warriors. We will call this person SD. SD and I went out to their property, that was JUST bought, to go on an adventure. I was thinking, "WOW! What are the odds I would meet another person in this one horse town that was doing what I am doing? What a coincidence!!!" This state tends to have wild animals that will eat you if you are not careful. And as I mentioned I was carrying. For those of you who have never served or carried a weapon in the line of duty, there are different "levels" in which you can carry your gun. My gun is on my hip with a fully loaded magazine, but I hadn't chambered one yet. Three weeks with nothing in "the hole". As SD and I were prepping to go out on this land in nothing but our little "side by side"(I'm learning a whole new language) and our pistols. As SD was getting ready, I heard SD "Chamber one", it was liking hearing the syringe fill with my dope!!! I instantly pulled my weapon and "chambered one", that was like feeling the syringe plunge all of that dope straight into a vein!!! AHHHHHHHHHH, what a sweet sweet feeling!!!

Over the next few days I was out at the property twice, including the first day, and SD was FUCKING kicking ass and taking names, like a BOSS!!! The first time was a clear day and we had one of SD's neighbors hop in the back of the side by side and escort us over the entire valley. The second day it was pissy weather and I'm underselling it!!!! After SD was done dealing with ALL the contractors, we went on walk about. On walk about SD kept talking about giving back to warriors like me, ones that need help, ones that need compassion, ones that have been through so much in their service to our country.

Over the course of this week I've really felt like a valued member of a new tribe, I got to be on the ground level of what I see as something beyond what I could have dreamed. One thing I am good at though is making things happen. SD and I were texting each other on a regular basis. SD asked me to get "my shit figured out" by April, that I could be a valued member of the team. Sweet!!! Finally some compassion for me, some grace, so I continued to be "out there", until I got home. I kept being vulnerable. I kept talking.

I texted to check in when I got home and the conversation went sideways on me. The general theme for me was, "why isn't EVERYTHING FIXED ALREADY"? But wait I need a little compassion, I need you to live up to what you promised me, I need just a little breathing room. I have PTSD and I'm trying with every fiber of my being to be the best me I can be for me.

My "Priest" told me I need to get to working on me and be "the most unapologetic person" I can be for my own sanity. The words are still ringing in my ears. In this move I divorced my wife of 13 years, quit my job of 10 years, left my ENTIRE TRIBE and securities I spent so many years building, packed up everything I love, and moved "across" the world. But hey!!! Why don't you have your shit together? Got it!!! Alls I'm doing is making excuses. But you claim that you are building something for "Warriors" like me but there is no compassion for me? What compassion will you have for the warriors that were like me 10 years ago? What impact do you except to really have?

On the other side of the coin SD is doing the same thing I just did and completely up rooting everything and moving here as well. I get it!!! There are a lot of moving parts to ALL THE THINGS. I'm upset tonight because SD kept pushing for me to be open and honest, but as usual that is not true. NO ONE wants you to be open and honest!!! They only want to hear what they want to hear, pass judgement, and execute you on the spot. All of this after repeated comments like "do you have the balls for this" or "If you're scared, you don't have to continue". You goad me into the "man game", then smack me on the nose, but some how you are going to help "warriors" like me? How does that look?

I'm genuinely angry and hurt tonight. But it's ok, because I know Trust and Faith are mythical creatures, constantly fighting with each other. So what inspired me to write tonight is I looked at my gun and know there is still "One in the chamber" and the excitement of feeling alive again has spoiled and left me feeling empty and hollow. I've hit rock bottom again? And I don't know if I have the strength to pull myself up one more time. Just like when I went to my chain of command and asked for help, "...but you're one of the biggest badasses there ever was. How are you broken?"

I guess it is ok to be used one more time. Now having read all of this, please understand that I believe in every story there are three sides. Your's - Mine - and the Truth. This is my side. I'm so lonely, that I don't know how to explain it!!! Other than the warmth of a bullet does sound good. Don't worry I'm not suicidal tonight, just feel like I had the meanest heavyweight champion of all times smash me in the nose with a "Haymaker".

LOL - Its almost midnight and as soon as I'm done writing I'm nheading to the basement to shovel gravel until I fall over!!!