The sound of PTSD...

Please imagine being in a restaurant on the highest sales volume night in the history of that restaurant, but it is the morning of that night. The first sound the room hears is the sound of the lock unlocking, door squeaks a little, the sound of the keys rattling in the hands of the manager frantic to punish in the security code before the alarm goes off, dropping their cell phone to the floor. The Manger trips over a chair left in the wrong place dropping the remainder of their goods, almost falling completely over the chair. Manger turns on the sound system, lowering the volume to "a light get things start correctly" level. Continues with turning on the lights and TVs, turning on some local channel news to catch up on the current events, something to talk to guests about. Chefs start coming through the back door, turning on the kitchen radio, as they begin to turn on the kitchen and ALL the sounds that go along with that. The Chefs begin talking to each other, over each other as they begin clanking pots and pans, prepping for the night they think is coming. Delivery guys coming and going, front of the house staff (servers, hostesses, bus boys, etc.) are showing up. Radio volume goes up, TV volume goes up, everyone is excitedly talking over all those sounds about some reality show bullshit. The clanking of the bar tins and bottles as the bartenders begin to set up the bar. Servers bringing silverware out to the tables, now almost yelling across the restaurant to continue with current gossip and nonsense. Radio and TV volume get turned up again. Front doors of the restaurant open and guests begin to trickle in very quickly the restaurant is filling before the staff was really ready to begin service. Staff members are in the back tying up their aprons as the head Chef is trying to scream the special of the night at them. The manager trying to compete with the Chef for attention as hostesses are screaming about how people are complaining already. The servers pour out into the front of the house, greeting tables as quickly as possible, with patrons hanrgliy scream their orders at the servers. There is some double header professional sports finals on the TVs at the bar and the bar is PACKED with four opposing sports team's fans, ALL SCREAMING over each other. Cooks are now SCREAMING at each other trying to make their way through the insane amount to tickets that are coming at them. A line manager screaming at the cooks calling for side items as everyone is scrambling to do everything in their power to get out of the shit storm they are in. The bar is erupting louder and louder. Volume on the radio and the TVs are at the max level. Some wedding party bus just pulled up with fifty people, already half lit, singing and screaming at the top of their lungs. Two drunk guys at the bar are in a VERY HEATED debate over college statistical garbage, as two other guys are, at bar fight level, over some drivel about their opposing team's history before either of them was born. Some server is in the middle of dropping about a $200 tray of steaks and lobsters all over the dining room tile floor. People are SCREAMING!!!! The kitchen is practically on fire!!! The original manager is still hung over from the night before. EVERY possible thing that could go wrong is!!! The volume in that room of chaos is so loud, its a wonder the windows don't blow out like in some Die Hard movie.

Now my attempt was to gradually build you up from the quietest point of restaurant to the most evil insane chaotic moment there could be in a restaurant. Now most "normal" people wake up in the morning like a restaurant wakes up and they are the manager of their restaurant. If they are good at their job, their day never goes NUCLEAR, they never reach critical mass. But please try to imagine being that manager walking into to that chaos first thing in the morning. Imagine that for me when I open my eyes in the morning my mind is already at that sound and stress level, but maybe times two!! Please also imagine that every sound coming out of that above scenario, every human voice in that room, all the radio and TV sounds, every plate breaking, ALL OF IT, was an evil, flash peeling, fiery, soul destroying demon SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!!! Telling me of every failure you have ever had. Reminding me that NO-ONE can or could ever love me, want me , need me, or desire me around them in any way. UNABLE TO TURN THE VOLUME DOWN AND ITS JUST BARELY THE BEGINNING OF MY DAY!!!!!! All that sound crashing in on me after fighting whatever demon nightmare I just woke up from. That is the sound of PTSD for me, every day!!! Before any other stressor life can bring to me.

I worked in the restaurant before and after My time in service. Before the Navy, it was just fun, quick, fast, easy money. The one rule was to not fall in any of the pot holes - sex, drugs, or dirty dealings. I crawled back to it after My service, knowing that if I just kept my mouth shut, head down, and did as I was ordered i could "survive". No need for friends, no need to be respected, no need to be treated human for any reason. Just make a wage, feed and love those I could reach, trying to pay a penance that has no price tag. Every once and awhile I'll accept a genuine compliment from someone, it allows me to continue believing I am on a mission, "Good job Sailor", "Good job teammate". That's all fine and dandy, but imagine if you can you have one of those ear pieces like the secret service guys or Navy Seals in the badass movies like Act of Valor. The volume of the ear piece is cranked to a blister piercing level with that PTSD CHAOTIC SOUND!! With my other ear I am trying to listen to life, all while my head is on a swivel, my heart rate constantly at a dangerous level. Suicide a "normal" daily thought.

But as a warrior, A Forgotten Warrior, I search for those moments of paradise. Those in-between times when I can be with My Kind of people. My Kin!!! The ones who quit ALL that noise!!! True paradise!! Thank you!!!