Deployment Time

This year, and we are barley 3 months in, has been very good to me. Our project is gaining momentum, people are coming together, and we are dug in. But it seems that when things start to go good for me, that is when EVERYTHING always seems to fall apart. To the veteran that posted to our youtube channel, you are right PTSD from combat deployments is something civilians can never understand. The true sacrifice everyone who puts on the uniform goes through, leaving your loved ones behind, not knowing how you will return to them, if you return to them. Deployment is a VERY scary thing. So is being told you have cancer. So is being raped. So is scrapping some kid off the asphalt because he wanted to do a wheelie down the freeway at 100mph. So is burying your child, way before that child should have been buried. But I digress.

Even in the civilian world there are what I call "mental deployments". When you get your orders your mind goes about making sense of what needs to happen. Your chain of command needs you ready yesterday, your family has questions you can't answer, you go over the mission objectives over and over in your head, and you worry about whether you will let any of your team down at any point. Never thinking of yourself because that thought pattern has almost been beaten out of you. "Needs of the military, son." There is no time for feelings or emotions, regardless if you have them or not. I am only speaking for myself of course.

So we shot the spec trailer this last weekend, and while we have been VERY diligent in making sure to protect all of the stories we have been given, I still know what scenes are based off of me. I got to relive 10 years of all my failures in one afternoon. Every possible demon I've ever faced, all came at me in one day. Right back in the shit!!!! Every reminder of how I am a failure. But don't worry, LOL, it was like being back on deployment. "Get your shit together!!! We have a mission to get done!!!"

On top of all of that, I had my last doctor's visit with my head doctor. She is moving on. Now the rub, I'm back in VA limbo. I "might" get seen in the next 6 months, but maybe not? So back to mental deployment. One of the things they don't explain to you as you are getting into the military is that folks come and go so quickly from commands for so many different reasons. It becomes very numbing. I'm not mad at my doctor, she tells me the move is to improve her career, and her life. My only response, and that goes for anyone I hold dearly, "Congratulations!!! May you travel safely and may good fortune find you." All of this comes at some serious self epiphanies time. I've grown a lot this year already. I've started to open myself up to trusting again, breaking my own promise to me. After being diagnosed and burning down my own kingdom, I knew what kind of monster I am. Knowing I'm not worth much, I can protect you, I can mend you, I can stand up for you, I'm loyal to a fault, but if you call me friend and want to be part of my life, I'll only disappoint you. PTSD means so many different things, I change the acronym constantly. Problems Trusting Sad & Depressed. Usually takes me 2 - 3 years to allow someone new into my life. Not many people care to take that much time and wait for me to get it together. So when someone does leave, the mourning period for me is a little more.

I'm use to people leaving my life. When I make friends I usually believe it is because God wants me to help them through something. So when it is time for them to leave, I have to ask myself if I accomplished whatever it was that God had me in their life for. I operate off the belief that I'm doing something good for someone. It's what keeps me fighting. Yeah Doc, your words have echoed and will continue to echo in my head until I have solid answers for you. Your replacement has some very large shoes to fill, but until she shows up, I'll do everything in my power to be good. I hope this deployment doesn't kill me.