What day is it?

The days blur together most of the time. My wife when she leaves for work has to tell me what day it is, just so that I can be some what linear. The guilt demon has been beating the brakes off of me. Last night I helped two friends NOT get on their bikes, but left me delivering bikes at 1 am, no worries, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for these two. But it reminds me that I fall short so many other times. I can never do enough or help enough people. August is probably the hardest month there is for me. We all have anniversaries, some we want to remember and others we can't ever forget. August is the anniversary month Chief killed herself. The last time I said her name out loud in front of a group of people, I knew I had betrayed her just by saying her name out loud. Well it is August again and I know there is no redemption for me. I try to live whatever this life is one moment at a time. I am not catholic but I now know what it is like to live in purgatory. Half the time the suicidal ideation tells me that all the mental pain can be gone, and the once great warrior side of my brain reminds me that the battle/fight is why we still draw breath. I have a "mentor" who wants to fix me by changing my vocabulary, likened me to a sword the other day in mim he sent me. Talking about how the fire forges a blade. My response had something to do with no asks the sword to not cut, that is why it was put in the forge in the first place. Then why is it that after I have been trained in the wages of war, people constantly tell me to "calm down"...HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME!!!!! My "friends" refer to me as the bear. Sometimes I'm a cuddly bear, one even calls me Baloo the Bear, because I dance around in front of her. And everyone likes their bear hugs when they see me and some even seek shelter with me when they are scared, but when the real bear is woken, no one likes him. How can you only except part of me and not all of me?

E....it's true what we put on our shirts...people fear what they don't understand. This rhino is definitely broken, but one last fight. Maybe God will call me home finally. There will be no virgins waiting for me, there is be no trumpets sounding for me. I hope you have found a place that you call home...I'm still searching to find my way back home. E...I love you and miss you.